The first mistake is trying to find the answer to the “why.”
– There aren’t any.
Not any that we’d be able to understand now.
The answers lie in places we can’t go while living.
Knowing this all, even years later, I can’t give up the pursuit.

The why questions aren’t what one would expect either.
The why questions aren’t aimed at the superior being in charge of what comes next.
Instead, they’re aimed at me and what I should’ve done differently;
the exchange of phone number I did nothing with,
the casual invitation I let lie.

It’s impossible to believe that a different course of action on my part would’ve changed the outcome.
That being said, the questions remain, as well as the possibility that it may have.
The self doubt is there.
It exists in the moments of silent contemplation after a conversation about years past jar it loose.
It exists in the lonely hours where there is nothing else to occupy your thoughts.
He was someone’s friend, someone’s brother, someone’s son.
And now there are no second chances.

I’ve always thought that saying about living each day like it was your last was bullshit.
No one I know can afford to do that.
But logic lies in treating your loved ones like it may be their last because one day you’ll be right.