Randumb Thoughts

All this tension
I’m regressing
To stressin and depression
More aggression
Is pressin my
Problems back to suppression
While she’s searchin
For a confession
when there’s nothing to confess
All this weight is wrenchin
At my chest
Was feeling fairly blessed
Till today turned into a fuckin mess
So in distress I’m addressin
My thoughts thru a written message
Expressin this contention
Til I’m to the point of hypertension
So now I’m getting all this attention
And it’s clearly not my intention
Cuz what’s going on is far beyond your comprehension
Cuz your tellin me its unnormal and unhealthy
But I feel your opinion’s a misconception
Maybe my emotions go in opposite directions
But ill be damned if I suspend my independence
To control my feelings with a pill dependence
I intend to do it on my own without any apprehension
It’s a little bump in the road but I continue to strengthen
And if you’re waiting for me to seek help
Guess you’ll continue to wait then….

I can see that you’re not ok
I know that you’re unhappy
I can see you’re face light up
Every time that you look at me
The way that you snap chat me
I can see that you still care
The past couple of years
I’ve just been wishing you were still there
Looking at my scrapbook
Staring at pictures of you
I never showed you I loved you
As much as I wanted to
But I do
I wanna show you the world
Take you everywhere, you and your little girl
But there’s so many obstacles just to see me
So I sit here with my pen at hand while my soul’s bleeding
Put my persistence ain’t depleting
I’m a pro at competing
But in my eyes there ain’t a competition
Cuz I know I’m the one you’re missin’
Hun, your heart is talkin’
All you gotta do is listen…..

I know I’m not perfect
And I’ll never claim to be
I don’t put my emotions in the open
They tend to play hide n seek
I struggle to express myself verbally
But I hit it on the head with my pen
I press it to the paper and my soul opens
It’s how I’ve always been
It’s like my brain is always racin’
And the ink knows how to pace it
No erasin’, so be patient
I gotta point
And its the only way I can make it
I wish I could break it
This cycle, and just learn how to speak
Instead of lockin’ up
And using a pen and pad as the key
Nah fuck it, I embrace it
It’s the part of me that’s unique
And while you lie there asleep
And I’m up restlessly
I think of your dreams
And what you wish I could be
Meanwhile I’m stuck in reality
With thoughts branching out like a tree
Slappin’ words to the sheet
I’m a prisoner of my mind and a beat

The thought of you lingers
My inner turmoil
Wanting to break free

A caged heart
Beating
Aching
Longing
My addiction unfulfilled

A blur of emotions
Concealed within
Desire
Temptation
Resistance
A never-ending struggle

My inner demons
Ripping
Thrashing
Demanding
A craving I cannot satisfy

I grew up like what’s love
I was accustomed only to fear
Didn’t know what a daddy was
I only knew he wasn’t here
4 years old he went away
Now it’s mommy, bobby, and me
Never thought there’d come a day
Where it’d drop to just me
Neglected and insecure
I carried a chip on my shoulder
Swallowed pain, buried tears
You grew closer, I grew colder
Never felt like I had a family
Or a birthday party, no Christmas
Why didn’t they give a damn for me?
Never heard me out, couldn’t listen
A decade and a half later
Any regrets or best wishes?
My mother, they think I hate her
Nah, she’s just the queen of these bitches
One day you’re gonna need me
And my memory’s crystal clear
How you said you wished you’d aborted me
So just pretend I’m not even here!

It creeps it’s way in slowly.
It sneaks towards you like a snake in the grass and before you know it, it’s upon you.
That feeling.

It overcomes you and you wear it like a shroud.
You can’t decide if it’s a normal human condition or if there is something wrong with you;
to carry this bone deep grief with you, even all these years later.
For it to show it’s ugly face when you least expect it;
washing dishes, taking a walk, whatever.
It will always be there and there is no adjusting and overcoming it’s presence.
The good memories make it worse as you mourn the loss and all the things that would have been.
Another unknown face in the album of life.

The unanswered questions haunt you.
The lost time shatters you.
The empty feeling consumes you.

2 drinks over dinner
Feels like 12 would on a all-nighter
Pills are magnifying
Every thought and desire

Feeling crushed and relieved
By every question and belief
Each holds true to the core
Not a side effect even I can treat

Shaking hands and feet
Veins bulging, heart pumping
Cannot accept the defeat
No chairs to take a seat

Awake me from my sleep
To a demon underneath amongst the sheets
Wisdom in words I speak
I was taught, but never teached

Wound tight for weeks and weeks
2 drinks for no release
A give me, but no please?
Now I beg and plea

For mercy on enemies
In fear for them
And not me
Forgiveness is unforeseen

Was weak but never bled
Cried without a tear
Gave it all and fell
There’s not a sorry I haven’t said

My eyes are wide with vision blurred
Jaw aches while fingers shake
Better follow your heart
For heavens sake

Remember your special every day
Give thanks and praise
No, “I cants” or any negatives
For god would want you to be this way

For freedom of speech
I get to say
Be as today as it will tomorrow
Another good day